Betty ford says i'm here all night
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
