So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
