I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
