do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
