It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
