I'm eating all of the evidence.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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