I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
