I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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