If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
