why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
