i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
