how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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