Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
