The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
