Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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