I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
