yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
