we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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