Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
