I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
