What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
