So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
