i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
