he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
