Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I skipped work to stalk him.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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