I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
