i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
