i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
