i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My ATM looks so different sober.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
