i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
