do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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