I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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