i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
