I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
People with herpes should wear stickers.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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