I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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