So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
