My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
