I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
