I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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