Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
