my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
How drunk are you?
Completed.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
