Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
