Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
