I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Small penises have feelings too.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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