I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
