Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
