how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
