Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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