I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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