turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
