I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
