I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
