M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize