I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
