Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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