Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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