I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
