my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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