You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
