I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
