Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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